I’ve had my heart broken five times. Three of those by the same girl. You’d think I’d learn.
The thing about being broken is, it doesn’t just happen. Some force does that to you. Whether they snap you on purpose or they drop you and you shatter, it is their force that does it. If you’d just stayed alone you’d still be whole.
And they don’t stop at one break. They do it again and again and again. Once they know how, where the weak points are, where the cracks are already spreading, how could they resist one more push? Its how they were made.
The other day a man saw me glued to my phone, my face drawn inwards with concentration. I hope its good news he said, encouragingly, assuming I was reading messages. I don’t know if he was being nice or sarcastic, but either way I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was playing monopoly online. And I was losing.
I set it on easy. I win almost every time when I set it on easy. I could set it on medium or hard and give myself a challenge, but I don’t want to lose. I spend my whole life losing. Life doesn’t have an easy mode. Life doesn’t have the ability to quit and start again if you don’t get Mayfair on the first round. Life doesn’t have a miniature chest that gives you money for no reason, unless you happen to already have money.
You see I’m the good guy here. In this world, there’s you, and there’s them. Whether them is a girl you once loved or them is the opponents in a video game. Its you against other people. And you’re either a good guy or a bad guy. What other option is there?
I’m a victim. My life has been played on expert mode but I’m only a novice. The other players know this board, know where they will land and how to play the game and they know that I don’t. That’s how they know how to break my heart.
In my story, I am the good guy. I’m the victim. In my story I can do no wrong. That’s the only story I know.